i want to get this qestion up and out into the site so that others might read it and possibly think a little more about the choices they make. it's hard to dial things back when you're competitive and want to be your best. sports aren't about health on the competitive level. they are about winning. not always the most healthy mind set for physical or mental wellness. 

i still do come off and clean my system out. it isnt easy or fun and i don't believe my test levels will ever be what they were before i started using gear. peronally, i have it justified the results of my use in my head. to me, it's worth it. i dont want to say too much more, as i want to avoid going into too many details about my life, but i think deeply about the choices i make and weigh it out. its certainly a calculated risk. 

have you considered going to another MD? i've talked to guys who had been on for years, to one extent or another, and they were able to come back around after long term work with knowledgeable endocrinologists. 20 yrs old was very young to get started and in some ways, that may work against you, but at the same time, at 26 yrs old, you just might have more potential to recover than a guy in your situation who is 36. if you can't recover and a life of HRT is the result of the decissions you made in the past, you can still live a long and happy life.

best of luck and thank you for sharing your story with the readers here, bro.