why do i feel so small..

  • gymrat
    why do i feel so small..
    on: 2015-08-09 08:01:28
    I started out at 140ish now I'm 210 and people stare every where I go and ask the same question every day but when I see my self I feel like I still look like 140 why
  • IFBB Undercover
    Re: why do i feel so small..
    on: 2015-08-18 16:54:44

    Great question. Welcome to the wonderful world of muscle dysmorphia haha. So let me guess. At first you were small. Then you gained a little muscle and felt big. You felt like you had achieved something. You wore tank tops and handed out tickets to the gun show, for all to see. Still, in the back of your head, you knew you could take it further. You knew this was just the start. So naturally, you turned up the intensity, adding more food, more weight training, and of course, more gear. You got bigger, BUT your definition of "BIG" also changed. Maybe at first, you wanted to see some muscle shape and definition. Maybe you thought, "I want to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club". But looking back on Brad now, you say, "Shit, he was a twig in that movie!. I'm way bigger than him now." So maybe your idols got bigger and maybe you got bigger than anyone else you see in public on a normal day. Maybe every gas station attendant and grocery store clerk you come in contact with asks you about training and diet. Random strangers ask if you take steroids or if you know anything about growth hormone. Surely that would mean you have reached your goals, right? RIGHT!? Wrong, haha. Why? Well, I can give you 3 reasons, off the top of my head. Jay, Ronnie, Branch. Those guys are "BIG". Follow me? And now you compare your development to monsters like them. So here we are, much further down this long hard road that interestingly feels like normal every day life. Baking $20 of chicken and slamming egg whites is just part of your average day. Spending $1000 of a great batch of GH is part of the budget. Girls that were once attracted to you are now afraid of you and maybe even make comments like, "I liked you when you were little. I'm not into really big guys." But thats ok, because a whole new group of genetically engineered females with perfect asses and huge fake tits are messaging you on Facebook and getting your number back stage at your local NPC contests. Saturday night is now the most exciting time of the week. Not because you are going out to party with your friends. No, because you are hitting legs and you can't wait to try out your new pair of squatting shoes. Still, all of this and you feel like the 140 lb weakling that started on this journey so many years ago. No matter how many X's you add to your T-Shirt size, that feeling gnaws at your self esteem, right through the massive armor you have created to protect yourself in the first place. 

    Maybe your story isn't exactly like this, but I have a feeling there are some things you can relate to. How do I know this? How do I know you? Well, I haven't been stalking your NPC Competitor Fan page. I know you, because I am you. We all are you. We all go through this and live with it, every single day. The more you care about your development, the more intense this feeling can be. The bitter sweet reality is, you may NEVER feel huge. And hey, if you did, you just might feel like you finished what you had started, then give up the sport. I use this insecurity to push myself further. At the same time, I do try to find satisfaction in what I have achieved. I try to find gratitude for everything I have. I have a great life and part of that is due to bodybuilding. I can come here to the Q/A to share my experience and expertise with the guys and gals that ask questions. I can work with my diet clients through Naps Gear and Next Level Nutrition. Every day, I get to give the gift of bodybuilding to others. And hey, I have the health and resources to do what I want to with my physique and continue to explore territory that was currently uncharted. I can continue to GROW. Not everyone has the tools to keep progressing. I am lucky and so are you.

    So my suggestion is to step outside of yourself. Look at what you have achieved and find gratitude for it. Then see how you can help others to be better at reaching their goals. Give something back to the comminuty. Maybe you take a newer kid under your wing and watch the light bulb go on when he understands what you are teaching him. Maybe you come over the Juiced Muscle message board and help advise guys on how to stay safe while using gear. There are tons of ways to give back to the community that has allowed you to gain 70 lbs of mass. All fun aside, thats quite a lot of growth buddy. You've done a good job. Keep working and improving and you still might find that you can surprise yourself. No telling what you can do!